1 00:00:00,663 --> 00:00:05,324 240, 245 and 250. It's all there. Good boy. 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:06,617 Now here's your ticket. 3 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,605 A Mr Setra will meet you at the hotel, go straight there, 4 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:12,085 deliver the cash, get out. 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,656 No fucking about, you got it? 6 00:00:14,462 --> 00:00:16,270 Not even time for a quick dip in the sea? 7 00:00:16,306 --> 00:00:19,386 You fuck this up, I'll arrange a much longer dip for you. 8 00:00:21,502 --> 00:00:23,619 Jesus, I was only making a joke. 9 00:00:23,884 --> 00:00:25,366 Well, in that case, so was I. 10 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:27,480 Have a good trip. 11 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,245 Hello? I've got a business trip booked to Malta with you 12 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,285 and I wanted to see if I could book seats for the rest of my family. 13 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,673 My name's Vincent Swan, Dr Vincent Swan. 14 00:00:44,113 --> 00:00:45,087 Great. 15 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,445 Also, I'm speaking at a medical conference 16 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,325 and I could use a few hours on the flight to prepare. 17 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,921 Is there any chance of a business class upgrade? 18 00:00:55,004 --> 00:00:57,008 No, just the one seat would be fine. 19 00:00:58,795 --> 00:01:00,480 If Ronnie's going to treat me like a mule, 20 00:01:00,516 --> 00:01:02,597 I'm going to make damn sure I get a kick out of it. 21 00:01:05,143 --> 00:01:09,143 Sync and corrections by emeline-whovian 00:05:05,032 Sun, sea, sand and... 116 00:05:05,068 --> 00:05:06,873 And sharing a room with our two children. 117 00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:08,724 Might need to settle for the three "S"s. 118 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,205 There's always the beach at night. 119 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,097 No, thanks. I'm not a bloody turtle. 120 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,983 Although I am still a big fan of doggy. 121 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,805 Oh, easy, Lassie. 122 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,285 One of us should watch the kids swim. 123 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,805 Why don't I finished unpacking 124 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,041 and get it nice and cosy in here for us? 125 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,769 That is disturbingly sensible for you. 126 00:05:26,805 --> 00:05:28,970 I quite like this new being waited on hand and foot. 127 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,805 First you pack the case coming out here, 128 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,525 now everything gets hanged up at this and. 129 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:33,845 It's like having a sexy butler. 130 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:34,968 Just call me Jeeves. 131 00:05:35,811 --> 00:05:37,611 - See you in half an hour. - OK. 132 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:46,245 That was close. I probably could've hidden this roll somewhere else, 133 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,485 but who doesn't enjoy the feel of a cool five grand in 50s 134 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:49,805 laying against their nutsack. 135 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,205 Now, in case you were wondering 136 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,115 where the rest of Ronnie's illicit cash is stuffed... 137 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,765 Oh, bad luck. 138 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,050 Sea view's this side. 139 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,365 Excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr Setra. 140 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,680 - Yeah, right there. - Thanks. 141 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,378 Ronnie's dirty laundry, I believe. 142 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:33,965 I'm enjoying the symbolism, Mr Swan. 143 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,151 Please, call me Vincent. 144 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,056 Do I need a receipt? 145 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,731 I'm afraid we operate a strictly sans paperwork facility, Vincent. 146 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,526 Tell Ronnie we'll scrub this until it's unrecognisable. 147 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,141 Now, there was one other matter I was hoping to discuss with you. 148 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,805 - When do you leave? - In a few days. 149 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,965 Perfect. That's just enough time to discover what this intriguing 150 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,645 little island has to offer 151 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:00,017 and to join me for a spot of lunch on my yacht tomorrow. 152 00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:02,590 I have to tell you, I'm here with my wife. 153 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,886 I'm not trying to seduce you, if you're worried. 154 00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:08,324 Not really. I get more offended 155 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,312 when people don't want to sleep with me, Mr Setra. 156 00:07:10,628 --> 00:07:13,891 It's just she might finally divorce me if I disappear for an afternoon. 157 00:07:14,210 --> 00:07:17,295 She's more than welcome. Do you know where the marina is? 158 00:07:17,331 --> 00:07:19,678 I'm going to guess, is it on the edge of the sea? 159 00:07:20,615 --> 00:07:22,721 Pier seven. You can't miss us. 160 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,607 I'll see you tomorrow at one. 161 00:07:26,411 --> 00:07:28,616 Now that Ronnie's contraband was safely delivered, 162 00:07:28,651 --> 00:07:30,136 the only bulge in my underpants 163 00:07:30,172 --> 00:07:32,452 was the one reserved for the woman of my dreams. 164 00:07:34,414 --> 00:07:37,725 I must admit, this one of your better ideas, Vincent Swan. 165 00:07:38,451 --> 00:07:40,080 I do have them sometimes. 166 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:41,654 Thank you. 167 00:07:42,502 --> 00:07:46,227 And Nat was embracing every teenage girl's rite of passage 168 00:07:46,402 --> 00:07:48,672 by flirting with a greasy Maltese waiter. 169 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,120 I needed this. 170 00:07:53,457 --> 00:07:57,278 So it is now a good time to re-pitch my sex on the beach idea? 171 00:07:57,948 --> 00:08:01,793 The cocktail, or the agonising sand-in-the-fanny sexual experience? 172 00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:02,994 One of each. 173 00:08:03,030 --> 00:08:03,986 How about no? 174 00:08:04,136 --> 00:08:05,176 Fair enough. 175 00:08:06,422 --> 00:08:10,187 How about I offer you lunch on a yacht instead? 176 00:08:10,338 --> 00:08:11,783 Oh, much better. 177 00:08:11,819 --> 00:08:13,910 Now, if only you had a yacht. 178 00:08:13,946 --> 00:08:15,391 Or knew a man who does. 179 00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:16,845 I'm serious. 180 00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:21,391 A friend of Ronnie's has invited us out to lunch on a yacht tomorrow. 181 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,561 Really? 182 00:08:23,973 --> 00:08:25,833 Wow, I've never been on a yacht before. 183 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,325 What about the kids? 184 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,868 Hotel's got a kids' club. 185 00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:34,029 They're capable of looking after themselves for a few hours. 186 00:08:34,387 --> 00:08:36,188 Yeah, why not? 187 00:08:37,085 --> 00:08:38,103 What is it, Rob? 188 00:08:38,139 --> 00:08:39,605 Nat's been getting the waiter to sneak vodka 189 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,925 - in her orange all night. - Stop telling tales. 190 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,246 She threw up on her shoes. 191 00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:45,500 Oh, sweetheart. 192 00:08:49,141 --> 00:08:50,849 I'll kill that fucking waiter. 193 00:08:50,885 --> 00:08:52,804 It's not his fault, Dad. I told him I was 18. 194 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:53,965 He'll be in for a nice shock 195 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,919 when he sees you at the Teenyboppers kids' club tomorrow. 196 00:08:55,955 --> 00:08:58,997 - What? I ain't going to a kids' club. - Yes, you are. 197 00:08:59,033 --> 00:09:01,725 Why do you all have to be so embarrassing all the time? 198 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,939 Says the girl who pebble-dashed the hotel bar floor. 199 00:09:03,975 --> 00:09:04,850 Mum, tell them. 200 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,139 Oh, God. 201 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:07,765 SHE RETCHES 202 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,205 That's it, baby. 203 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,591 There you go, get it all out. 204 00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:12,485 At least you'll be the first kid at Teenyboppers 205 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,760 - to turn up with a hangover. - Shut up. 206 00:09:16,917 --> 00:09:18,322 Look, I'm taking a few days off. 207 00:09:18,466 --> 00:09:20,840 - Yeah, sure. When were you thinking? - Well, from now. 208 00:09:20,876 --> 00:09:21,805 Oh, no sorry. 209 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,445 I've got Vincent swanning off on some Ronnie-inspired errand. 210 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,005 I can't lose my only other salesman. 211 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,243 I wasn't calling for permission. I'm just letting you know. 212 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,885 Thank you. What a thoroughly decent arsehole you are. 213 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,645 You betrayed my trust, fucked up my career, 214 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:38,925 and potentially a marriage, just to score some cheap point over Vincent, 215 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,405 and I'M the arsehole? 216 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,377 Christ, such a drama queen. 217 00:09:42,502 --> 00:09:44,142 Are you even going to tell me what you're doing? 218 00:09:44,178 --> 00:09:45,463 I'm capturing the flag. 219 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:55,844 Right, Carol. 220 00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:57,729 You've been promoted to field sales. 221 00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:00,325 Show me you can outperform Lavender in the next two days 222 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,183 and you can have his job. Any questions? 223 00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:05,496 - You're not in Kansas any more. - What are you doing? 224 00:10:05,718 --> 00:10:08,489 - Is not a dream, is it? - No. Please don't make me reconsider. 225 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,478 And before you hang up your receptionist boots, 226 00:10:10,514 --> 00:10:13,274 find me the number to wherever that fucker Vincent's staying. 227 00:10:18,813 --> 00:10:21,458 Oh, God, I think I'm going to puke. 228 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,325 I get nerves. 229 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,685 Breathe, Carol. Nerves are perfectly natural. 230 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,285 You'll not tell another soul this, 231 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,125 but I wet myself when I closed my first deal. 232 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,442 Did you, though, or are you just trying to make me feel better? 233 00:10:31,491 --> 00:10:34,496 Both. Still carry spare knickers in the car. 234 00:10:34,532 --> 00:10:37,177 Just remember, they requested more information. 235 00:10:37,213 --> 00:10:40,018 You're here to gently nudge that interest towards a purchase, 236 00:10:40,054 --> 00:10:41,659 so make it memorable for them. 237 00:10:41,695 --> 00:10:43,660 Be engaged, flatter them, make them laugh. 238 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,704 - Sounds more like a blind date. - Actually, it's a lot like that. 239 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,369 How do you manage your nerves on a date? 240 00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:50,624 I just try and pretend to be someone else. 241 00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:52,705 Good, that's just what selling is. 242 00:10:52,741 --> 00:10:55,066 You're presenting a heightened version of yourself. 243 00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:58,305 - OK. I can do that. - Good. 244 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,260 Right? 245 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,685 DOORBELL 246 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,171 I think I'm going to need to borrow those spare knickers later. 247 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,120 - Are you sure you don't want a tea? - No, water's fine. 248 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,760 SHE GULPS 249 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,280 SHE EXHALES 250 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:28,002 Carol, do you want to tell Dave and Annie 251 00:11:28,038 --> 00:11:29,525 a little bit more about who we are? 252 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:38,163 My name's Caroline Ewing... the Third. 253 00:11:38,588 --> 00:11:41,673 I know what you're thinking, why is someone like me sitting 254 00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:45,314 in your beautiful front room, attempting to extol the virtues 255 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:46,835 of replacement windows? 256 00:11:46,871 --> 00:11:48,476 I weren't expecting that. 257 00:11:48,512 --> 00:11:49,793 Neither was I, Annie. 258 00:11:50,211 --> 00:11:55,192 But at 18 I decided to turn my back on a life of luxury and comfort 259 00:11:55,454 --> 00:11:59,339 and go out into the big, wide world to make something of myself... 260 00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:00,664 ...on my terms. 261 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,443 - Good for you, love. - Yeah. 262 00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:08,961 Meanwhile, Lavender's mission 263 00:12:08,997 --> 00:12:11,122 to capture the flag had entered a critical phase. 264 00:12:11,158 --> 00:12:13,078 It was time to go over the top. 265 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,365 You've only got to be a Teenybopper for one afternoon, Nat. 266 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,525 But what if Kristof sees me? 267 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:23,245 Well, he'll just think you're looking after your little brother, 268 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,045 while your wonderful mother swans off 269 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,509 - for a swanky meal on a luxury yacht. - Don't take the piss. 270 00:12:27,545 --> 00:12:29,299 I'm not. I appreciate it. 271 00:12:29,924 --> 00:12:32,009 Cool, we're going hunting. 272 00:12:32,045 --> 00:12:34,530 Can we really be from the same gene pool? 273 00:12:34,566 --> 00:12:36,291 We're taking photos, you div. 274 00:12:36,327 --> 00:12:37,852 Right, here's some money. 275 00:12:37,888 --> 00:12:41,893 Don't let Robbie blow it all on the arcade machines, OK? 276 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,410 Be back in a few hours. Come here. 277 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,249 Oh, did you wash your hair? 278 00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,819 I just got a whiff of vodka orange puke. 279 00:12:49,855 --> 00:12:53,335 - You didn't, did you? - Go on, got to go. Bye. 280 00:12:55,394 --> 00:12:57,285 Sam, I need to talk to you. 281 00:12:57,859 --> 00:12:59,893 Jesus Christ, Martin. 282 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,125 What are you doing here? 283 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,169 I needed to see you. 284 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,685 Shit. Vincent will be down any minute. 285 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,942 It's OK, I can say whatever I've got to say in front of Vincent. 286 00:13:09,978 --> 00:13:10,975 No! 287 00:13:11,011 --> 00:13:14,445 No. Just calm down. What are you talking about? 288 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,565 - Why are you even here? - This can't wait. 289 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,483 Sam, I've wasted so much time already. 290 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,199 - You asked me once if I was ready to commit. - What? 291 00:13:22,549 --> 00:13:24,474 Of course this can fucking wait. 292 00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:26,675 You have flown halfway across Europe 293 00:13:26,711 --> 00:13:28,876 and ambushed me on my family holiday. 294 00:13:28,912 --> 00:13:30,117 I'm assuming you haven't got 295 00:13:30,153 --> 00:13:32,202 any other pressing engagements in Malta later today. 296 00:13:32,414 --> 00:13:34,321 - No. - No. Good. 297 00:13:35,419 --> 00:13:38,064 OK, I'll be back in a few hours. 298 00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,465 Just keep a low profile. 299 00:13:40,926 --> 00:13:42,565 Don't let the kids see you and, 300 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,420 when I get back, we can talk, just you and me. 301 00:13:45,285 --> 00:13:47,460 But I've got to go, Martin. Please. 302 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,720 OK. 303 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,085 Mr Swan, sorry to bother you, 304 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,125 but I have a message for you from your employer. 305 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:03,165 Oh, well, that's funny. She's here with me now. 306 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,165 - What did you want, my darling? - This is joke, yes? 307 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,761 Barely, but, yes, he's joking. 308 00:14:07,797 --> 00:14:09,801 I think she means Ronnie, darling. 309 00:14:10,013 --> 00:14:12,978 No, telephone call was from Miss Jo Scott. 310 00:14:13,014 --> 00:14:15,341 She asked you to call the showroom urgently. 311 00:14:16,739 --> 00:14:18,405 Well, that's a bit fucking weird, innit? 312 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,205 Jo tracking you down on holiday. 313 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,965 Not really. She's off her trolley. 314 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,965 Probably looking for where we keep the tea bags. 315 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,765 Well, you better call her back, then. 316 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,005 No, fuck her. She can wait. We're on holiday. 317 00:14:28,354 --> 00:14:30,485 If I need someone to remind me what an arsehole I am, 318 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:31,765 we can bring Nat to lunch. 319 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,520 If she calls back, tell her I said she's not my fucking boss, got that? 320 00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:39,727 An absolute pleasure meeting you both. 321 00:14:39,763 --> 00:14:41,845 Good luck with the new windows. 322 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,325 - You'll be the envy of all the neighbours. - Thank you. 323 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,500 And don't brag too loudly about my godfather, Philip, 324 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,165 using the same style in the Balmoral refurbishment. 325 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,640 OK, well, thanks very much. Bye. 326 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:04,511 Fuck me. 327 00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:05,803 Too much? 328 00:15:06,503 --> 00:15:10,188 Research is the key to great character writing for me. 329 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,144 My next novel's about a double glazing salesman serial killer, 330 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,719 hence being here. 331 00:15:15,908 --> 00:15:19,993 Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you and wear your skin as a dress. 332 00:15:20,029 --> 00:15:21,594 THEY LAUGH 333 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,605 Probably my biggest part was playing Violet Beauregarde 334 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,825 in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. 335 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:31,205 Well, a bona fide child star in our front room, Trevor. 336 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,640 Wasn't Violet Beauregarde American? 337 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,920 AMERICAN ACCENT: She sure was, buddy! 338 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,179 Why did you quit? 339 00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:43,845 Let's just say the Everlasting Gobstopper 340 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,600 wasn't the only thing the producer asked me to suck on. 341 00:15:53,610 --> 00:15:55,165 Bloody hell, that IS a yacht. 342 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,582 Why, what do you think I meant when I said lunch on a yacht? 343 00:15:57,618 --> 00:16:00,772 Well, I guess I was half expecting a bag of chips on a pedalo. 344 00:16:01,037 --> 00:16:03,176 - How do you know these people? - Friends of Ronnie's. 345 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,097 Permission to walk your plank, Mr Setra? 346 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,080 You know you always have my permission, Vincent. 347 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,565 And who is this delightful creature? 348 00:16:15,601 --> 00:16:18,406 - Hello, I'm Sam. - Hi, Sam. Pleasure to meet you. 349 00:16:18,442 --> 00:16:19,807 My name is Roland. 350 00:16:19,843 --> 00:16:23,288 Although most people seem to prepare calling me Mr Setra. 351 00:16:23,791 --> 00:16:25,714 Must be my schoolmasterly manner. 352 00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:28,685 No, surely it's because you're a man of distinction, Mr Setra. 353 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,285 Oh, I can see how this one 354 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,895 keeps you on the straight and narrow, Vincent. 355 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,085 Vincent, Sam, this is my business partner, Alan Rudd, 356 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,659 and his wife, Maggie. 357 00:16:39,219 --> 00:16:42,207 Pleased to meet you, Vincent. I've heard nothing but good things. 358 00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:45,215 Now, this man might look like a Les Dawson impersonator 359 00:16:45,251 --> 00:16:47,042 who has had an accident with a tin of creosote, 360 00:16:47,078 --> 00:16:49,405 but, in reality, he's one of Europe's most wealthiest 361 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:50,845 time-share property developers. 362 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,245 For the uninitiated, time-share works like this, 363 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,685 for an affordable upfront fee, 364 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,264 any schmuck could now part-own a luxury property on a resort, 365 00:16:57,459 --> 00:17:00,758 the trade-off being that they could only use it for a few weeks a year. 366 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,085 More importantly, time-share was like the fucking Wild West for selling. 367 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,245 Unethical practices, zero regulations 368 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,045 and the opportunity to make life-changing amounts of money. 369 00:17:10,378 --> 00:17:13,485 The hedonistic distractions were also fall-of-the-Roman-Empire level 370 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,240 but we'll come back to that later. 371 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,445 As I'm sure you gathered, we're looking for someone 372 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,165 to run a line of closers at the new Marbella resort. 373 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,885 No such thing as a free lunch, eh? 374 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,165 Vincent, are you interested? 375 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,805 I'm fairly sure the package will fare comfortably into 376 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,634 what you're earning with Ronnie. 377 00:17:33,341 --> 00:17:36,725 Boys, the double glazing business has been good for me, 378 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,292 but it's not the game it once was. 379 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,845 Trading Standards, cooling-off periods, 380 00:17:41,155 --> 00:17:43,725 a relentless tide of charmless fuckers who've wasted 381 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,675 their life savings on courses in how to sell. 382 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,450 Being a closer isn't something you learn, or even aspire to do. 383 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,869 It's in your fucking blood. Am I right, Alan? 384 00:17:52,924 --> 00:17:57,049 I'll take that as you... registering an interest. 385 00:17:57,085 --> 00:17:58,364 Absolutely. 386 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,405 There is, of course, 387 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,731 a large and dangerously psychotic elephant in the room, 388 00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:05,774 my current employer. 389 00:18:05,981 --> 00:18:09,440 He might not be too keen about me walking away from Cachet. 390 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,280 I've known Ronnie for a very long time, Vincent. 391 00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:18,197 He might not be as intractable as you think. 392 00:18:18,534 --> 00:18:24,085 With your permission, may I deal with the Ronnie issue directly? 393 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,845 - Be my guest. - What about Sam? 394 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,515 Do you think she could be persuaded to up sticks, 395 00:18:29,551 --> 00:18:31,436 take the kids out of school? 396 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,245 Sweetheart? How do you feel about leaving Essex behind 397 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,512 and going to live by the Mediterranean for a few years? 398 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:40,165 Oh, sunshine and yachts over rain and the oil refinery. 399 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,448 Might need a few seconds to think about that, babe. 400 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,125 Well, allow me to make a toast to making obscene amounts of money 401 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:53,285 in the Spanish sunshine. Cheers. 402 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,605 Back at the hotel, amazingly, the Teenyboppers were being 100% literal 403 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,005 about their wildlife shoot. 404 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,110 It turns out that the Maltese have a very liberal attitude to hunting. 405 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,925 The national motto of Malta might as well be 406 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,520 if it flies, it dies. 407 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,485 While Lavender, having sunk a few pints of Dutch courage 408 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,900 was now sleeping like a mad dog in the midday sun. 409 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,049 Walkies. 410 00:19:21,085 --> 00:19:22,302 Just stop it. 411 00:19:22,843 --> 00:19:25,248 Right, you go and get changed. I'm going to go rescue Nat 412 00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:27,504 from the slow social death of Teenyboppers, OK? 413 00:19:27,540 --> 00:19:28,440 Good plan. 414 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,005 Quick question, 415 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,319 what's the rate for international calls from your hotel? 416 00:19:37,889 --> 00:19:39,050 There you are. 417 00:19:39,086 --> 00:19:41,487 Jesus! It's cheaper to rent a suite here than it is to phone England. 418 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,965 - Excuse me? - Yes, sir. 419 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,925 I just dropped my key into the box but I need to get it back. 420 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,920 - Do you mind? It's 212. - OK. 421 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,040 Grazie. 422 00:20:11,546 --> 00:20:14,831 That's ?14,000 worth of business in a single day. 423 00:20:14,867 --> 00:20:16,481 Plus three Oscar nominations. 424 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,859 Sorry, was I too mental? 425 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,665 Who cares, baby. You were sensational. 426 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,805 PHONE RINGS 427 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,080 No more answering the phone for you, my dear. 428 00:20:29,647 --> 00:20:31,325 Hello? Cachet Windows and Doors. 429 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,419 What the fuck are you playing at, calling me out here? 430 00:20:33,455 --> 00:20:36,285 One minute. Carol, do you mind nipping downstairs 431 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:39,394 and keeping an eye on the showroom for me? Thanks. 432 00:20:43,010 --> 00:20:45,455 Clock's ticking, Vincent, and I haven't had my answer. 433 00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:48,765 Are you coming back to work for me or do I have to confess all to Sam? 434 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,256 Cos we both know who she'll believe. 435 00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:53,084 This isn't a game, Jo. We're talking about my marriage, 436 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,725 - about my family. - Oh, it's all a game, Vincent. 437 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,245 Only some of us are better at playing it than others. 438 00:20:58,426 --> 00:20:59,984 Is winning that important to you? 439 00:21:00,108 --> 00:21:02,017 Oh, winning isn't the important thing. 440 00:21:02,356 --> 00:21:03,681 It's the only thing. 441 00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:06,289 This is getting complicated. 442 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,153 I can't stop thinking about you, about us. 443 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,045 Really? 444 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,018 So what's it going to be, Vincent? 445 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,908 What's your next move? 446 00:21:17,099 --> 00:21:20,288 I want you to take your hand and slide it over that perfect belly, 447 00:21:21,485 --> 00:21:22,854 between your legs. 448 00:21:23,444 --> 00:21:24,964 Oh, I like this move. 449 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:26,800 What's next? 450 00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:40,225 What the hell, Martin? 451 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,845 You call this fucking incognito? 452 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,325 Sam... 453 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,085 ...I must have dozed off. 454 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,445 - Did my kids see you? - No, no. I've been... 455 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,919 Oh, fuck me! My feet are on fire. 456 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,107 Oh! Oh, my God. Oh! Fuck! 457 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,469 - Are you all right? - Nothing a bit of aftersun won't cure. 458 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,005 Look, we can't do this here. Vincent's going to see us. 459 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,965 - Let's go inside. - I don't care. 460 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,365 I'm here to say what I should have said that day in the car. 461 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,000 No, you can't do this. 462 00:22:05,977 --> 00:22:07,808 I came for your flag, Sam. 463 00:22:08,345 --> 00:22:09,769 RJ was right. 464 00:22:09,822 --> 00:22:11,990 I've been in the trenches all my life. 465 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,520 Christ, I'm thirsty. 466 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,565 Robbie, what the fuck are they? 467 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,885 Seagulls and a woodpecker. 468 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,165 Jesus, mate. Where's your sister? 469 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,885 Last time I saw her she was getting a massage from the creepy barman. 470 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,677 Right, get rid of those and get up to the room. 471 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,965 Motherfucker. 472 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,285 Wasn't enough to screw my wife behind my back, was it? 473 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,160 Vincent, I'm here for Sam. 474 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,245 HE RETCHES 475 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,125 You must have lost your fucking mind if you think Sam's going to leave me 476 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,005 for a pathetic wanker like you. 477 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,120 - Leave him alone. I think he's got sunstroke. - I'm so sorry. 478 00:22:57,752 --> 00:22:59,410 I'm so sorry, everyone. 479 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,285 Hang on a second. You knew about me and him? 480 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,260 No. 481 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,565 Well, yes, but I only found out a few days ago. 482 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,809 Right. And you are going to mention that to me, when? 483 00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:12,004 On the plane home? Christmas fucking Day? Or never! 484 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,965 Sam, I need to tell you what I came here to say. 485 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,685 No, you need to get the fuck out of here. 486 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,372 Shut up, Vincent. I can speak for myself. 487 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,066 Look, if you don't love me then tell me... 488 00:23:20,843 --> 00:23:22,671 ...and I will walk away forever. 489 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,245 But if there's even the tiniest bit of you that still imagines 490 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,406 what a life together could be like, then we can build on that, Sam. 491 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,772 In what world did you think this would be OK, Martin? 492 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,525 Flying out here, embarrassing me in public, 493 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,298 in front of strangers, my family, 494 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,045 and giving me two and a half minutes 495 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,158 to make a decision about the rest of my life. 496 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,920 Why do men think everything is that fucking simple? 497 00:23:48,796 --> 00:23:50,139 You need to go, Martin. 498 00:23:50,693 --> 00:23:53,384 - You heard her. - I'm fucking warning you, Vincent! 499 00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:57,620 OK, I'm going. 500 00:23:58,882 --> 00:23:59,922 Goodbye, Sam. 501 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:02,965 Martin? 502 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,645 Oh, my God. Look at the state of him. 503 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,565 PEOPLE LAUGH 504 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,440 Oh, he's not well. 505 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,903 Get off me. 506 00:24:13,237 --> 00:24:14,965 How is this my fucking fault? 507 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,565 Why didn't you mention that you know about Martin and me 508 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,925 and how the fuck did Jo find out? 509 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,125 Just calm down, babe, all right? I can explain. 510 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,325 Of course you can, Vincent, 511 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,348 cos you've always got a fucking answer for everything. 512 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:27,445 SHE SCREAMS Oh, Christ. 513 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,925 They're trophies from Robbie's Teenybopper bird hunt. 514 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,565 Look, I need you to know this. I'm not cheating on you. 515 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,525 The only reason I didn't say anything is because 516 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,436 I have no fucking right to be angry about it. 517 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,761 We were separated. 518 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:42,925 I've been a terrible prick and, while I hate the idea of anyone else 519 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,661 being with you, touching you, 520 00:24:45,222 --> 00:24:47,601 dickheads in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 521 00:24:48,077 --> 00:24:49,962 I've taken you for granted, baby. 522 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:54,280 So, while it killed me, hearing it, how could I blame you? 523 00:24:55,700 --> 00:24:58,160 Jo is trying to destroy me, baby. 524 00:24:59,031 --> 00:25:01,326 Do not let that bitch come between us. 525 00:25:01,623 --> 00:25:03,348 I want it to be true, Vince. 526 00:25:03,384 --> 00:25:04,840 It is, baby, I promise. 527 00:25:06,037 --> 00:25:08,277 On Robbie's pet seagull's life. 528 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,445 Oh, I like it. Superstar shades for my superstar saleswoman. 529 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,120 - Can I have a word? - Yeah. 530 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,405 - Jesus, what's happened to your eyes? - Oh, I couldn't sleep. 531 00:25:23,441 --> 00:25:24,765 Tried to drink myself out, 532 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,764 but all I had in the flat was a bottle of old cooking sherry. 533 00:25:27,912 --> 00:25:30,448 I think I've had a reaction. I've been puking all night. 534 00:25:30,484 --> 00:25:32,154 Do you want to go home, sleep it off? 535 00:25:32,741 --> 00:25:35,577 Jo, how do you sleep at night? 536 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,168 I've always been a good sleeper. Here you are. 537 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,805 Take a Valium, take the edge off. 538 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,721 No, I mean, how do you live with it? 539 00:25:42,907 --> 00:25:44,952 Lying to all those people. 540 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,165 Honey, there's nothing wrong with selling people things they need 541 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,325 and making a profit from it. 542 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,685 I mean, you don't object to being sold things you need, 543 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,685 like food, clothes, ciggies. 544 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,907 Yeah, but Co-op don't come around my house, 545 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,230 telling me they're going to feed the world for Bob Geldof 546 00:25:59,339 --> 00:26:01,624 then make me massively overpay for my groceries. 547 00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:03,185 I never asked you to lie. 548 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,406 Oh, please. Can I just have my old job back? 549 00:26:06,704 --> 00:26:10,709 Is not too late, as it? I'll take a pay cut. Anything. 550 00:26:11,010 --> 00:26:12,657 Oh, come here. 551 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,806 Of course you can. 552 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,965 As long as I can use that Geldof line. 553 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,485 Oh, thank God. 554 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,805 The next day, Lavender left Malta a broken man. 555 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,638 On top of sunstroke, he'd gotten second-degree sunburn on his feet, 556 00:26:24,674 --> 00:26:27,029 but nothing ached more than the poor sap's heart. 557 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,155 At least he'd learnt one important lesson, 558 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,765 never take life advice from a Stratego-obsessed freak 559 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,454 with a borderline personality disorder. 560 00:26:36,410 --> 00:26:38,490 And after a few extra Maltese nights, 561 00:26:38,526 --> 00:26:40,660 it was time for the Swans to fly home. 562 00:26:43,927 --> 00:26:46,609 Ah, the wanderer returns. 563 00:26:46,645 --> 00:26:47,653 Miss me? 564 00:26:48,125 --> 00:26:49,497 Strange, I have. 565 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,485 Must be true what they say. 566 00:26:51,764 --> 00:26:54,609 Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 567 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,885 SHE CLEARS THROAT 568 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:58,278 Sorry to interrupt. 569 00:26:58,560 --> 00:26:59,925 Ronnie's son's downstairs. 570 00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:01,721 He seems really upset about something. 571 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,525 Look, just calm down, all right? 572 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,965 - When did you and your mum last see your dad? - Friday morning. 573 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,805 - And everything was normal? - He called me a huge disappointment 574 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,005 and left for work, so, yeah. Business as usual. 575 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,925 Maybe he had to go away on a business trip. 576 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,322 Well, he always checks in with Mum when he's away, 577 00:27:16,358 --> 00:27:19,763 - wherever the antiques business may take him. - Antiques business? 578 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,148 Hang on. 579 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,765 I saw this episode once of Antiques Roadshow. 580 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,713 The museum owner was killed by a 300-year-old Japanese sword. 581 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,560 Now, the killer hid in a suit of armour. 582 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,885 Actually, that could have been an episode of Columbo... 583 00:27:38,020 --> 00:27:39,305 ...or Scooby-Doo. 584 00:27:39,340 --> 00:27:42,025 Look, just go home and be with your mum, all right? 585 00:27:42,061 --> 00:27:45,597 I'm sure he'll show up with a funny or terrifying story to tell. 586 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,695 I'll call you as soon as I hear from him. 587 00:27:47,948 --> 00:27:49,046 OK. 588 00:27:49,845 --> 00:27:51,690 Thanks, Vincent. 589 00:27:51,726 --> 00:27:52,796 Yeah. 590 00:27:52,832 --> 00:27:54,392 PHONE RINGS 591 00:27:56,390 --> 00:27:58,115 Cachet Windows and Doors. 592 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,405 Vincent. Roland Setra calling. How the devil are you? 593 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,720 Mr Setra. To what do I owe the pleasure? 594 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,485 I just wanted to let you know that I've managed to take care of 595 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,445 your employment issues and that the path for you take up our job offer 596 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,792 is, shall we say, unhindered. 597 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,907 Sorry, employment issues? 598 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,566 Your Ronnie problem is taken care of. 599 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,947 Look forward to seeing you soon in Marbella, Vincent. 600 00:28:21,549 --> 00:28:23,662 OK, Mr Setra, that sounds lovely. 601 00:28:25,003 --> 00:28:26,417 See you soon, sir. 602 00:28:27,011 --> 00:28:28,149 Bye. 603 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:31,800 Fuck. 604 00:28:33,910 --> 00:28:37,910 Sync and corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com 605 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:42,510 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0